我写了一篇英语作文,下个星期二要交,

我写了一篇英语作文,下个星期二要交,
Video games are drugs for theseniors!
Video games are not only an
infinite dark hole for juniors,those are also the same for the seniors.You
can’t imagine how those games are disastrous in people’s life.For me,video
games should be the one which I think is the most rated modern technology and
which I’ll never encourage my grandmother to play.
Firstly,playing video games
worsens our grandparents’ mental and physical healthy.Above all,many health problems
such as eye strains,back pains,headaches,dizziness,hallucinations and nerve
damages are caused by video games.By just thinking at the health of seniors a worrying
thing,then how can we allow them to live in such a bad situation?Furthermore,
some violence scenes appeared in the games can recall the bad memories of our grandparents,
such as Second World War.Those things will put them back on a depressive
situation.So,that’s why I don’t think it is a good idea for seniors to play
video games.
Secondly,for me,playing video
games excludes people from socializing.Teens and seniors both need friends.To
live in a closed environment with computer games is a waste of time.Video
games can’t replace human being since they’re objects.In fact,when you have
something to say,friends are always here to support you whereas games can’t
speak.Also,if people play video games instead of going out with others,they
will be isolated and feel loneliness.For this reason,I believe that video games
are not advised for seniors.
To sum up,I think that video games
are not at all the rehab tool for seniors.Those things are just like drugs.
The more you take,the worse you are.I think the best way to make our grandparents
happy is to occasionally have a conversation with them.Believe me; they are muchhappier with their children or their grand children than with anyone else.
第一段(FIRSTLY上面的那一段)换为这个
Video games are not only an
infinite dark hole for juniors,but also they are harm seniors.You can’t
imagine how those games are disastrous in people’s life,so I’ll never let my
grandmother to play it.For me,video games are considered as a want not aneed.

其实从中国的观点上看写的还是不错的.问题在于里面有不少是中国独有的表达方式.infinite dark hole 无底洞,中文解释的英文 ,个人认为改成endless pit 更好.
mental and physical healthy-mental and physical health.
Above all,many health problems
such as eye strains,back pains,headaches,dizziness,hallucinations and nerve
damages are caused by video games.你前面没写因为什么这些病都是游戏造成的,above all 就没啥意思了.
By just thinking at the health of seniors a worrying thing,不知道怎么改 Only when worried about their health can we allow ...
To live in a closed environment -> living in
Video games can’t replace human being since they’re lifeless.无生命的.
to occasionally have a conversation with them.-> occasional visit and converse ..
我认为你单词量还是有的,如果说有什么需要提高的地方就在于,你写的过分本土话,语言不够地道.文章本身毛病是逻辑性不够.部分观点用词过猛(比如灾难性的,这么严重的问题你居然不说清楚为什么是灾难性的）,但是给的数据支持和例子几乎空白.这么写文章中文的老师可能给你个好分数,如果是外国人的话,你可能就是个及格了.
再问： 这样改对吗? 1-Video games are an endless pit juniors. 2-Many health problems such as eye strains, back pains, headaches, dizziness, hallucinations and nerve damages are caused by video games. Only when worried about their health, how can we allow them to live in such a bad situation? 请问您是指语法错误 还是 指这篇文章很具有'中国的观点'? 有点不太懂
再答： Video game is an endless pit for juniors. 语法问题不大， 我看了你这篇文章的感觉是你不是在说事情，而是在发牢骚。 如果你是吧英语当成中国语文在学的话，你翻译这篇文章给你的中文老师看看。 说白了就是 你写的思想性还是不够啊。语言习惯也跟美国人不太一样，这两个因素都会很大程度上给你扣分。 我的建议是你这篇文章写成‘好好先生’，说好的也说坏的，最后警告人们应该用审慎的态度对待电脑游戏。这样你内容就不会显得过于偏激和苍白。这种方法能藏拙。偏激的观点是一定要使用刚猛的修辞手法才能显得非常有力度，否则人家认为你是因为情绪化才说的这么吓人的。
再问： 哈哈哈, 现在一看确实有点... 在发牢骚. 您不说,我还真不觉得... 可老师要我们写opinion text. 然后要说自己的观点等等等. 我怕我写着写着就写成explicatif text了, 所以加了很多表达内心的想法. 我可以改完后在给您检查一次吗? 把那些需要加强逻辑性的句子改一下然后想在给您看看. 关于不够地道的语言的话, 我想暂时没办法加强了, 能之后再给些建议吗? 谢谢!
再答： 其实咱俩水平应该是相近的，我只是从第三者的角度看的。你写写看吧。