哎,我的英语水平至今处于初中水平,就麻烦大家给看看了~

哎,我的英语水平至今处于初中水平,就麻烦大家给看看了~
主要看语法,错词,如果那里衔接不顺,也麻烦给修改一下,
Good afternoon ,my dear teachers .thank you very mach for giving me the chance.First let me introduce myself to you.My name is----,i am -- years old ,graduated from ------University,the major in my undergraduate is Business Administration .
Generally speaking,I am a girl full of passion ,I think ,and I don’t leave things half-done ,I’m very organized and extremely capable.
And then,I’m very co- operative ,and have good teamwork spirit .I am open-minded,easy to adapt,compatible with my friends,and willing to help others.
Besides what i have introduced myself above,i also have many interests in my spare time.I like reading books and listening music same as somebody else,the tv-star whom I like is ANDY LAU ,because he ia a very diligence and 多才多艺.Recently ,I love to cook something ,I find cook can exercise people do a job with patient and systematic.
Above all ,I am looking forward to my ----studies and life.I will soon prove that your decision of choosing me is the wisest.Thank you for giving me such a valuable opportunity!

good afternoon,dear teachers(加了my之后很中式）,thank you indeed for giving me the chance(very much写在你那里是语法错误,而且土）.first let me introduce myself(to you也是中式英语）.My name is---,i'm --years old,graduated from---university,with a degree of Business Management(首先你写的太中式了,还有你说的应该是商学管理之类的吧.是management,不是administration.）
generally speaking,i'm a girl full of passion,(i think 有点多此一举）,and i never leave things half-done.(don't leave 那个不顺）i'm very organized and (extremely 这个太过了）capable.Also,i have a good sense of teamwork.(没有i'm co-operative的说法,而且和teamwork是一个意思）i am open（不是open-minded),easy-going(这个词组比你那个地道的多,而且还带有你那个compatible的意思）with my friends,and generous(这个词不错的）.
Besides(下面那个太罗嗦了）,i have plenty hobbies.(你那句语法错误）,i like reading books and listening music as most people do.The star i like most is ANDY LAU,because he is very diligence and tanlented.(语法错误,还有,很少有人说tv-star)Rencently,i find myself interested in cooking since it's a job that need patience and enthusiasm.（句式有点问题,还有那个systematic我实在不知道你是想表达什么）
further more,i'm looking forward to my future life in XXX(就是你想去的地方）,最后你不应该说那些话.显得太嚣张了.应该多写写对以后去那个地方的向往,最后在加一句,thank you for your time.
改完之后觉得你总体思路上还行,但是语言上欠佳,很多语法错误,还有个别用词不当,句式有很重的中国化,不懂的可以HI我,