求大神点评英语作文.要求写关于大学生打工的看法.求各种指出错误,求各种喷.Nowadays,more and more

求大神点评英语作文.
要求写关于大学生打工的看法.求各种指出错误,求各种喷.
Nowadays,more and more college students are studying with a part-time job.Some of them,who choose to find a job when they are having classes at the same time,need to earn their living by themselves because of some family problems like cannot afford the fare.But most of the students only want to save experience.Is there any benefit of having a job during college life?
In my opinion,we should think about it on both sides,in a word,there do exist some benefits about it,while detects can also be seen.Finding and having a job after classes,giving students more chance to have contact with outer world and people,and also broadening their horizon,leading them to prepare to get into our society.But on the other hand,part-time jobs may take them a lot of time to finish,let them feel more pressed,finally,it can have a bad effect ion on their study.
As a college student,especially a student in clinical chemical school,I think we are too busy to have a job while we are studying.If we just want to get some money in our jobs,we will lose much more important things like time and energy.Part-time job is just for these students who have a lot of spare time and fewer classes.

part-time jobs而不是a part-time job
Some of them, who choose to work while having classes. 简练性很重要
earn a living而不是earn their living
some financial problems而不是some family problems
fare要改成school fees
save experience? 得到经验?是gain experience
any benefits而不是any benefit
we should think about it on both sides, think about可以用consider
it does have benefits
detects? defects
outer world---> challenging society
take them a lot of time to finish -----> take up lots of study hours and distract them from their studies
bad effect ------> negative impacts
on their study ------> on their studies
in clinical chemical school -----> in a clinical chemical school
I think we are too busy to have a job while we are study -----> I think it is too busy for us to have part-time jobs while studying
lose much more important things ------> waste our precious time and energy on things that are not so important
Part-time job is just for these students ----- Part-time jobs are for students who have lots of leisure time.
大体一看就这些需要改进的地方,观点还OK