改后的雅思作文,希望高人点评后并给个分数

改后的雅思作文,希望高人点评后并给个分数
Recently the issue of whether or not accept equal member of male and female students in every subject has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern in the public.in this essay i aim to explore this complicate phenomenon from diverse perspectives,identify the relevant contributing factors and bring up some effective measures.on a personal note,i am approve of that the students should be separate as same amount as male and female in every subject.
As far as i am concerned,an array of integrated factors contributing to this complicate phenomenon and here i would explore only a few of the most important ones.the first important reason is those who strongly approve of that the man have more creative than woman in some subjects such as mathematics.one of disquieting facts stemming from this is that some woman will give up their right to choice the science and mathematics education.this has resulted in the extreme disparity between the male and the female students.
Another major important factor is woman aware of satisfaction so that the managers are able to keep their employees staying and continueing to work in their company easily.in history,many famous female are make a great contribution to the human being such as songqingling and madame curie.
And the most frequently stress one is some important work are more suitable for woman than man.such as secretary and take care of baby.because the female have one common characteristics is the patient.the householder are disburden when another female take over her obligation to take care a baby.
In conclusion,given the factors i have just outlined,it's safe to draw the conclusion that the male and female have same education chance in every subjects are more advantageous and will definitely have great positive influence.

中国式英语很严重 没有学会英语思维 比如第一句 地道的英文表达应该是 Recently the issue of whether male or female students should be accepted equally has been in the limelight and aroused wide concern in the public.而您的用此冗余 句式不够明练 还有雅思考官讨厌学生故意用生僻词 比如limelight 除非你的作文水平已经达到用这个词的程度 可是绝大部分的人都还没能驾驭这种词
不要被一些培训班骗了 我业刚考的雅思 8分 其中作文就是8分
你不应该过分追求难长句 该省略的词要省略 简练是英文的灵魂 这是所有人都知道的 英语思维英文重要 比如外国人喜欢在作文中用被动时态和书面语 所以我们尽量不用can这种词 而用be able to ；口语中他们还喜欢用现在进行时代替将来时 比如i'm going to go to the movies 不用i will go…… 而且看电影用go to the movies 而不用watch movies
还有看得出来 你的基本功不是很扎实 很多搭配错误和很明显的语法错误 加上这么繁杂的句式和单词 显得晦涩难懂 比如第一段中您写的 i aim to；i am approve；should be seperate ……主谓搭配错误和时态错误很明显 通篇下来更是不计其数!您这种情况我建议您先弄清楚常用动词的诸位搭配 和定语从句的语法搭配 不要盲目追求复杂 搭配错误和语法错误也是考官最恨的 你这篇要是拿去考试 说实话 会很惨!碰到严厉地考官还以为你是背范文没背全 说不定直接给一个很低很低的分数