雅思作文~有没有高手批改下~最好给个分数

雅思作文~有没有高手批改下~最好给个分数
Nowadays parents like to give pocket money to their kids as a means of encouragement.Others think it has some negative aspects.What are the advantages and disadvantages of pocket money?
Whether parents should give children pocket money to encourage their campus life is an issue discussed by people in both private sector an public sector in recent years.I’ll try to reflect both positive and negative effects of giving money to kids in this essay.
Obviously not every students especially pupils can earn money by themselves.As sometimes they also need to buy something necessary,parents should provide a little cashes to them.For instance,maybe children will feel hungry or thirsty after school,they need to buy some refreshments or drinks.When a kid’s bicycle are broken accidentally,he has to ask someone to fix it or take a bus to go home.All of the above need money to tackle.
Though some pocket money is necessary,it will be harmful to the children if the parents give to much.Most of children are still not mature and they can’t cost money rationally.Money will be wasted on some meaningless things such as toys and electronic devices by them.Kids also will begin to buy many expensive cloths to show how fashion they are if they got much money.It will impact their thoughts.Maybe they won’t know how to save money when they grow up.
In conclusion,my opinion is,pocket money is necessary to children,but it should be limited to an extend.Too much money will corrupt them.Furthermore parents are response to teach kids how to cost money in a right way.
饿.255字.统计过的 可能分段不大清楚.Obiviously 是第二段.Though是第三段.

oth private sector an public sector
an 改为 and
he has to ask 改为 he or she 最好不要用性别偏向词
give to much 改为 too much
they can’t cost money rationally 改为 spend
物用COST ,人用 spend
many expensive cloths 改为 clothes
they got much money 改为 get
注意时态一致性
It will impact their thoughts
impact 后 加 on
corrupt 这个词比较重
parents are response 改为responsible
how to cost money 应用 spend
呵呵~ 我个人意见是~~
首先,字数刚刚够,若想拿高分就应该大概350左右
其次,太多语法错误~~这个扣分严重
句子推动不太好,应多用连词介词或从句.
我也考过雅思,作文并不算高分,只是6.5而已
我认为,只要这篇文章语法无问题,句子推动稍微改一改让表达更加清晰,用词准确一点,字数也相应增多一点,拿下6分应该是无问题的.
而且,看了很多文章,我认为你的文章有个很大的优点,思路很清晰,有条理,一定要把这个优点保持,你只是缺少相应的英语知识来阐述你的观点,所以建议你多看看那些 雅思优秀文章,可以的话多背背,留意他们的用法,这样肯定能极大的提高你写作水平.
希望能对你有帮助,祝雅思考试顺利!
PS: 增加字数的方法,本人觉得是增加观点和解释观点的内容,还有就是举例（这个爽）,不过要小心用.