I've just written an essay to practice TOEFL. Could you help

I've just written an essay to practice TOEFL. Could you help me corret and score it? Thanks a lot!
http://hi.baidu.com/lucdudxqvfgijnr/item/748867045fae09306c904852

personal evaluation:5
Awesome.That’s the first impression after I finishedreading your essay.It is pretty amazing,indeed,especially considering yourinsightful and tactful handling of your own opinion.Although I confess thatonly a few people would be eclectic when representing their own view (we allknow what people get when they stand in the middle of the road—they would berun over,right?),I find your insightful analysis of indispensability of bothtelevision and telephone remarkably impressive.(P.S.I have written under thesame topic before and I definitely screwed it up.)
So that’s why I decide to give you the score you deserved—5.I think the main essenceof your essay is your unequivocal disposition of supported evidence.In the twoargumentative paragraphs,I’m informed that the functions of TV and phone are separated;they do not overlap.That leads to an easy solution,which you wisely gave outa few words later,that both of the information carrier are important,and it’sdifficult to strip them off our lives.
However,here are some tips aiming to help you fly higher.
1、 Use more specific examples.Some animated details may not guarantee ahigh score,but it can surely lead to a big treat.
2、 Be consistent in your personal statement.If you decide to use thefirst personal statement,i.e.,pronouns such as “we”,and “I”,it would beless surprising to stick to the first person in one whole paragraph than switchbetween second and third personal statement at your will.
3、 Try to write more for an independent essay.I know that you have alreadyexplicitly articulated yourselves,but some additional information added to theexistent sentences can be nice.
4、 Remind the formal usage of grammar.For example,it’s natural toarrange a preposition like “with” or “for” after an intransitive verb like “compete”.I know that you are probably in a hurry to crack the essay,but a preventiveproofread can save you from sinking in to the ocean of funny mistakes.
Anyway,it is Nice to read your essay.I am pretty surethat you are more than able to achieve a wonderful mark in your TOEFL essay;you are also reaching to become a proficient writer.Hope that what I said canbe of assistance.Good luck!